FEAR vs. FUN: Who will you let WIN
When I get into the nitty gritty of post brain injury life with my clients, I find a whole lot of waiting. Waiting in doctors offices, waiting between therapy appointments, and waiting for their lives to change.
There is this intense desire to get either “back to normal or to make a full recovery”. When either of these phrases come out clients mouth, my whole body tenses. Mindset is so important in this process and these two phrases are the nails in the coffin of a growth mindset. Looking backward and comparing your former self to your current self or to your fellow survivor is poison to acceptance and growth. This mindset of waiting for the life that you want to appear never amounts to super fast healing.
Chasing your old life, waiting for a new life to emerge, and having very little fun is a formula for real or perceived plateaus, meaning struggle and discomfort that is unnecessary. Wasn’t the whole purpose of not dying to be grateful for your life and to enjoy it?
The barriers to engaging in a leisure or finding fun things to do are very specific to each person, but the biggest barrier that exists in every survivor across the board is FEAR.
Fear of what could happen,fear of falling, fear of failing, fear of looking dumb, the fear is different for everyone. Being aware of your fear and naming it is a great way to knock down barriers.
Several weeks ago, I had a gentleman in my office with a degenerative neurological disease that is beginning to worsen. We had been working together for about six months and his latest neurologist told him to make a bucket list and make it a priority to complete it. In the next couple of months he will continue to lose his faculties and his progression is speeding up
I felt profoundly sad to hear this information. We still had a session to complete, so I decided to look at his daily routine and to begin problem solving his bucket list. I knew that he had been going to a ceramics class, but would get embarrassed after ten minutes and leave. The thought of asking for help was too much of a barrier for him. He mentioned that he would like to go to a local sea town, but his wife said whenever she offers he does not want to go.
After some serious probing, he admitted that he would like to go to Spain, but as soon as he uttered it he swallowed his dream and I could see all the fear creep in. Not to mention the fears of his wife. She looked drained and overwhelmed from the moment we started discussing the possibilities. We learned that they have some savings set aside for this trip and that it was always their intention to go. We named her fears and he named his and then we decided to include his son in the trip. The heaviness in the room lifted immediately as the vision of their journey became clearer in their mind's eye.
We discussed staying with his cousin, how to deal with the chaos of the airport, what could be delegated to his son, and when they might go. His chin and his eyes lifted higher and higher with each detail.
You don’t need to face the end of your life to begin dreaming. Most of you have already experienced what the end may look like. You have fought your way back from almost dying and you deserve to live and to live well. Life cannot be constant goal setting and schlepping from one therapy to the next. You need to have some form of play, rest, and relaxation to keep going and to remember what life is all about.
Remember that first drink of water after they took your breathing tube out? You felt every raw piece of your throat, but it had never tasted so good. It didn’t matter if it took a long time; you were going to get a couple sips in. You savored that and enjoyed it.
Life should be like that first sip of water, especially for warriors like you. I deserve to live a life that you love. quality of life. You will still get to where you want to go, even if, you stop to enjoy it.