Celebrating A Life Day IS a FULL BLOWN Oxymoron.

Art by Sonia Pulido

@soniapulidoillustration

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Stroke-a-versary, Cranio-versary, Brain Tumor Death Day, The Day I Almost Died, these are some of the names of traumatic events that have led you to the person you are today. To say that an anniversary of your brush with death is bittersweet would be like comparing a minor fender bender to a six car pile up. We really do not have words to describe how problematic and difficult this date can be. It is loaded with traumatic memories, knowledge of gaps in time that you cannot remember, and comparisons of your “old self” to your “new self”. 

As a therapist, I dread the weeks leading up to someone’s anniversary. Especially, if their expectations of their “recovery” are not the same as their reality. This is a very painful place to be in and a hard place to hold space for. Directly after a big trauma you get a lot of healing quickly. You relearn to sit up, walk, eat on your own, and communicate, albeit slowly. As fundamental as these activities are they are still HUGE milestones. The first few months are filled with relief on all sides. Everyone on your team, from your family, to your doctors, to yourself are thrilled that you are alive. It permeates every single gesture and movement and celebration is not only easy, but difficult to refrain from. This gratitude and energy is one part of my job I cherish most. To see someone lift their head and look at me with clear understanding for the first time does something to your heart and soul. It really is a miraculous re-birth. 

Here is the problem: you transition from a newborn to a full ass grown adult in a years time. That first anniversary a lot of my clients start to forget what happens. Anxiety begins to mount about a month before their life-date. Usually I can feel a regression starting and the expectations of their brain and body become less in line with progress. This is when a survivor completely blacks out what has happened to them and they begin to focus on what they do not yet have. It’s a recipe for disappointing plateaus, pain, and self pity. 

The good news: this doesn’t have to be your story. You have the choice to make your story a celebration marking the beginning of your journey, while honoring the grief that it brought you. Your life took a huge left turn, but, it is still your life. There may be different views, but the same person is still interpreting each vista. 

Ellie Suh is the illustrator of this. @suhelli_ee

elliesuh.com

Each survivor will be different, but here are some general rules to follow when planning your celebration. First, honor your grief, but put limits on it. By having a space with a designated time and safe people, you prevent drowning in your grief, but also give it a place to go. Give your grief the space it deserves. Set a time aside to speak to your loved ones about that time and really listen to their experience. What will come back to you is a tremendous amount of gratitude and love.

 If you are still angry, write it out. Send a letter to your brain injury and list your griefs then make a ritual out of burning that letter. You might start it with, “Dear Brain, What the F*%$ ?!” The process of letting go of grief is unique to each of us. When we acknowledge grief, it begins to take up less space in our life. When we give it a process, a space, and a tradition, the letting go gets easier and easier.

Second, include other people. Include your family or your care team in how you are feeling. Make it a tradition to take this day off work and go to the beach or the mountains. Make this a real birthday. Spend money and make time for this day. You are acutely aware of how short life can really be, act like it.

Third, as much as you can, identify ways to integrate your person before into the person you are today. Integration is different than comparison. Integration sees common threads and instead of focusing on the differences in your pre and post life, it finds the similarities. It looks for ways to incorporate the new with the old. It is actually how all great stories begin and end. This is the stereotypical heroes journey. The more you can see the heroism and see that you are the author of the rest of your life; the happier you will be. 

Lastly, enjoy it. Try to remember the contagious gratitude and happiness of those early days and revel in your accomplishments. You are the hero/heroine of this incredible story of survival and rebirth. You woke up to a new life; own the incredible part you played in bringing yourself to this moment.